March 2nd, 2012 by Tommy McConnell

It seems like just yesterday the newest iPad 2 was released, and it pretty much was. Now we are already hearing the buzz about the iPad 3. We know you’re just dying to know what could possibly justify a newer version of something we just bought yesterday, effectively making us outdated and lame already. So, we are sharing with you what we have read about it so far. Many of our sources are calling referring to these new features as “rumors” because the product hasn’t been released just yet. We are simply relaying to you what we have heard through the grapevine.

  1. ESP: The iPad 3 can communicate with users telepathically. Teliri can suggest nearby cafes when you’re just thinking of coffee. You don’t have to say a word … Teliri knows.
  2. Infinite Battery Life: The battery in an iPad 3 will never die, because it runs on pride.
  3. Octi-core Processor: Four times as processor-y than the iPad 2.
  4. Ultrasound App: Good news ladies! …
  5. HologramTime: Forget that primitive FaceTime. Who wants to just look at a face on a screen when you can have a full-body hologram in front of you?
  6. Auto-Gloat: Will automatically send the following message to all iPad 2’s: “OMG. You’re still using iPad 2? LOL.”
  7. iHeaven: Unlike the Cloud, iHeaven stores your data in an omnipotent world, protected by the angels.

The release of the iPad 3 is scheduled to be on March 27 of this year. That is when the truth will officially be out.Until then, we’ll enjoy our quality time with our iPad 2’s.  *sigh*

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